So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
