i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
