its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
