I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
