So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
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sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
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