My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
