cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
