Do you still have your period?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
