mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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