So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
