to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
