I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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