If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
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