Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I will pee on everything he values.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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