yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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