All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
