Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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