she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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