If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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