Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
