how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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