i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
