hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
