Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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