kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
