I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Randomize
