Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
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