Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
