when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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