Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
