Pappa wants mamma naked
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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