Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
