chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
