can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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