I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
