I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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