I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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