Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
