so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
