Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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