Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
