I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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