i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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