There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
now i know why i became what i already was.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
