listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
