he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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