thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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