New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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