I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
