I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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