if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i now understand why vodka
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
