If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
