I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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