Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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