For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
