WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
