Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This is the high leading the old right now
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
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Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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