The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
