I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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