fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
