He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He felt like a one man threesome
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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