She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
