The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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